I'm Trying to Make Positive Changes. Why Won't They Let Me?

Often in therapy, clients seek out services because they’d like to make a change of some kind.  Possibly to lose weight, to stop drinking, to change the direction of their life or career, relationship issues, etc.  Whatever the reason for the transition, clients are usually looking for validation and support.  They want confirmation that their goals are important and achievable.  

Week after week clients will come to sessions talking about the progress or lack of progress of their goals.  They might talk about how they’re eating more fruits and vegetables, or how they’re taking the stairs instead of elevators, or how they’re researching training programs in a field different from the one they’ve been working in.  As the sessions continue, I’m beginning to notice that a pattern is emerging.  Clients left the sessions in a positive and empowered state of mind, yet returned to the next session somewhat deflated and discouraged again.  What I observed is that this deflation process tends to happen to clients when clients are at home or at work.  Clients are feeling less supported when they are with family and friends, but why?

One of my clients recently said to me, “I’m trying to make positive changes.  Why won’t they let me?”  Exploring this further, I am noticing that sometimes the people that are closest to us tend to undermine or sabotage our dreams, often without even realizing it.  I‘ve heard stories of family members that would bring home sugary desserts while one member of the household is dieting or when a group of tight-knit friends would plan a high-ticket night out on the town while one member of the group was struggling financially.  Sometimes undermining can be harder to recognize.  A client I was working with had been working on anger management and mood related issues for a while.  He would often say that he felt pigeonholed because despite the efforts he was making to reframe situations and respond to triggering situations less reactively than he did before, the people in his life wouldn’t accept those changes.  So much so, that it was as though he hadn’t done any work in treatment as far as they were concerned.  His family members and friends would expect him to respond to situations in the same manner that he used to.  They would expect him to be negative, angry, and irritable even when he wasn’t feeling those emotions.   

Sometimes we secretly, or not so secretly, are hoping that certain people in our lives will change.  We might wish for this person to be healthier, happier, more pleasant to be around, more financially secure, more reliable, etc.  Yet when this person starts to implement positive changes, how do we respond?  How does someone’s goals impact us?  Does someone else’s success threaten our own sense of personal success?

For those of you who are bravely making positive changes, it is vital to remain focused on your desired outcome.   Changing longstanding patterns is challenging enough without having to factor in the opinions and behaviors of others.  If you aren’t getting the support and encouragement you need, sometimes it’s necessary to expand your circle of friends in order to find folks who understand your path.  That doesn’t mean that your current friends and family should be discarded, but that there is always room for positive sources of inspiration in our lives. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback.

All the best,

Lisa

Lisa Matus, LCSW

631.626.7420

www.lisamatus.com

Transitions During the Autumnal Equinox

Transitions During the Autumnal Equinox

Autumn is a transitional time of year.  The summer has come to an end and we shift to a time in which we are surrounded by the vibrant, changing colors of foliage and all the festivities that the season has to offer.  In celebration of this season, we gather our loved ones to pick pumpkins and apples. We tap into our creativity by disguising ourselves in our best costumes.  We drink warm cider by a roaring fire and we root for our favorite teams. During this time, we soak up as much of the splendor of the outside world that nature bestows on us before we head inside in anticipation of winter. 

Once we head inside, that’s when the real transitions happen.  While the earth moves away from the sun, natural light becomes a precious commodity and our appreciation and longing for it grows.  The mania of summer is over, the leaves begin to fall, trees become bare, and grass stops growing.  We mimic nature by slowing down in our own ways.  When we slow down, we start to reflect on the events of the previous year.  We remember our gains and losses in love, friendship, health, finances, etc.  At the end of autumn, we tend to reexamine the decisions we’ve made in our personal and professional lives, hopeful that our decisions reflect our best selves while looking for opportunities to improve the quality of our lives in the coming year. 

Toward the end of autumn, if we haven’t done so already of our own volition, we are given an opportunity to reflect on all of the good in our lives by giving thanks.  We get together with friends and family to formally express our gratitude for those who have impacted our lives through the generosity of their spirit, friendship, and support.  

Autumn is an opportunity for each of us to shed our leaves and become bare. We achieve this by taking inventory of our lives, through the giving of apologies, the offering of forgiveness and the letting go of ideas and beliefs that no longer serve us.  It’s during this time, that we can discard our summer facades and become our true and authentic selves.  We can take advantage of the cool, crisp air and the natural beauty of our surroundings in order to think clearly about what really matters to us before the rush of the winter holidays.  This is the time to find balance between our inner and outer worlds, for making space for contemplative thoughts, for reconnection with others and for harvesting seeds of future growth.   

Now that autumn is upon us, what transitions are you optimistic for?

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback.  

All the best,

Lisa

Lisa Matus, LCSW

631.626.7420

www.lisamatus.com

Olive Branches and Boomerangs

Olive Branches and Boomerangs

All relationships have their challenges.  Whether it’s a partner, a supervisor, a colleague, a family member or a friend, we all bring our histories, our perceptions and our assumptions with us whenever we interact with others.  Our unique experiences shape who we are, how we see the world, and how we resolve conflicts. 

Interpersonal conflicts can take many forms.  Often they are simple misunderstandings that can be cleared up relatively easily.  Other times, conflicts can last longer than they should or increase in severity because they become rolled up in the web of previous conflicts one has already experienced.  These conflicts aren’t necessarily associated with the person or people that s/he is currently struggling with. 

What to do about these situations?  Well, that depends on several factors.  First, it’s key to assess how important the relationship is. Depending on the nature of the relationship, conflict resolution might be necessary.  However, if the relationship doesn’t seem that important, it can feel easier to ignore the conflict by avoiding the topic or the person all together.  If the relationship is important to you either professionally or personally, conflict resolution is the best way to address the problem and heal your relationship.

Conflict resolution strategies:

1.   Before confronting anyone, clearly think about and identify your goal(s).   For example, are you trying to improve communication?  Have a more meaningful relationship?  Feel validated or heard?  Apologize for a mistake?

2.  Extend an olive branch by respectfully requesting to speak with the person(s) whom you’re having difficulty with.  This can be an uncomfortable and humbling experience as the olive branch you extend may be denied.  You may think that you’re extending an olive branch with the best of intentions, but the rejection may make it feel like it’s a boomerang. In these unfortunate cases, remember that you’ve done your part in trying to create a more peaceful and mutually respectful dynamic.  Any lingering resentment and tension are no longer your responsibility.

3.  If your request to meet is accepted, try to find a neutral place to talk if possible.  It will minimize either party in feeling additionally uncomfortable or that one of you may be at a disadvantage. 

4.  When discussing your concerns, focus on your own feelings, as they are the only feelings you can be sure of. 

5.  Making assumptions about the other person(s)’s feelings or perceptions of the situation can make matters worse and cause the other person to feel invalidated. 

6.  Keeping score or trying to force the other person to agree with you can also be invalidating.   If you speak from your heart, it should minimize the need to act competitively.  The need to be right doesn’t have a place in true conflict resolution and it can distract from the work that needs to be done.

7.  Focus on your common goals as a means to create a bridge to the other person.  It will remind you both of the significance of your relationship.

8.  Focus on the current situation.  If you’ve had other issues in the past, it is best to avoid bringing them up at this time so you can focus on the here and now.  While it might be difficult, it is important to recognize that some improvements may have occurred in other areas of your relationship and you don’t want to diminish the growth that has already taken place.

9.  When meeting, give the same courtesy, time and compassion that you would like to receive.  Remember that your feelings aren’t the only feelings to be considered. 

10. Lastly, remember that you are only responsible for your behaviors and words.  You are not responsible for how others respond to you.  Regardless of the outcome, it’s ok to accept things as they are by letting go, moving on and reminding yourself of the impermanence in all things. 

When your true intentions for peace and understanding are clear, you can help facilitate healthy and honest dialogues that will transform your relationships.  I hope this blog is helpful to you. Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback.  

All the best,

Lisa

Lisa Matus, LCSW

631.626.7420

www.lisamatus.com

Dancing During Transitional Times

Dancing During Transitional Times

All change is hard.  Even the changes we ask for, that we believe to be beneficial, will have their share of challenges.  So when I applied to the PhD Program at Smith College and was accepted, I knew this time wouldn’t be any different. For me, this process has brought about awareness on so many levels. I haven’t even started my first term yet and I have learned volumes about myself and the people in my life.  Throughout the application process, the fear of rejection was my biggest source of anxiety. It never occurred to me that acceptance would quickly replace it.  Getting that acceptance letter was a thrilling moment. Yet too quickly after, reality set in.  For years, I dreamt of being a student at Smith. Now, in two short weeks, I am a Smith student!

Nothing prepares you for the emotions you feel when reaching a personal milestone. The adrenaline produced from the excitement is absolutely electric. Then there are the feelings of loss that creep in when you realize that you have to say goodbye to your current lifestyle in order to make room for this new life you are trying to manifest. Currently, I’m floating within the chaos of packing up my home, a home I absolutely adore, saying goodbye to my beloved neighborhood, and hardest of all, saying goodbye to my friends and family before I leave for Massachusetts in two weeks.

I’ve been fortunate to have such wonderful support in my life. I can feel the pride and excitement that some of my family members and friends share as they encourage me to make the most of this opportunity. I can also feel the tension of silent objectors and the sting of unsolicited opinions from those who wish to talk me out of embarking on this journey.  In my heart, I have to believe that their negativity is coming from a place of love and concern for my financial wellbeing and that it isn’t a reflection of my dream or me at all.

Recognizing that your dream is about unfold is powerful. Recognizing that the world is going on without you despite this transition is humbling.  In my heart, I want to be traveling on a float through the streets of my town in celebration of the news, but my family and friends are going to work, raising families, doing laundry, getting oil changes, etc.  This awareness puts things in rather harsh perspective.  So while life is going on around me, inside me there is dance music playing and colored streamers falling all around me.

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback.  

Best regards,

Lisa Matus, LCSW

www.lisamatus.com

Overcoming Disappointment in Relationships

Overcoming Disappointment in Relationships

It's safe to say that our friends and families want the best for us. They want to see us happy, healthy and financially secure. As humans we rely on that support to motivate and encourage us to reach for our dreams and to bond us to our loved ones. But what happens when we have news to share, perhaps a personal milestone achieved, and that support fades or becomes inconsistent? How does that perceived lack of support affect our relationships with others and with ourselves?

We may become withdrawn and less likely to want to share our news (e.g.engagement announcement, new job, new baby, new home, etc.) because we fear feeling rejected or unimportant.

We may become less supportive, less involved and/or less interested in the activities and news of our friends and family members because we feel jealous, resentful and/or unequal.

We may start to question how our friends and family feel about us.

Ways to Cope with Disappointment

1. Reevaluating our relationships: Sometimes our friendships are more emotionally intimate for us than they are for the other person. By looking at our relationships more closely (e.g. history, patterns, etc.) we can determine if we have realistic expectations of the people in our lives.
2. Examining our behaviors: It's important to take inventory of the ways in which we treat our own friends and family. It's unreasonable to expect heartfelt praise, support and encouragement when we are unavailable to our loved ones during their personal milestones and times of need.
3. Expressing our feelings: By sharing our feelings when we're hurt and disappointed in honest and nonthreatening ways, we can work toward strengthening our relationships instead of harboring feelings of resentment.
4. Focusing on the positive: By giving our time and energy to those who are actively involved in our lives, we have less time to concern ourselves with those who are dismissive, unsupportive or emotionally unavailable.

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback.  

Best regards,

Lisa Matus, LCSW

www.lisamatus.com

Messages you don't know your Smartphone is Sending

Messages you don't know your Smartphone is Sending

Last night I took a loved one to a restaurant for her birthday. As I walked across the dining area, I noticed all the other tables and the diners seated at them.  As I passed through on the way to my table, it caught my attention that alongside every place setting, I found either a cellphone or an iPad. Every place setting.

As I looked at the zombie-like faces illuminated by the screens of their portable devices, instead of from the stimulation of sitting across from or next to people that they cared for, several thoughts came to mind:

What would my dinner companion think of me if I had my iPhone on the table in clear view? How would she feel if I picked up my iPhone during dinner to use it?  Would she feel that her birthday or her company were less important that an incoming email? A text message? A Facebook notification?  Would she think that I would have rather been somewhere else? With someone else?

At the table adjacent to mine sat a mother and her two college-aged sons. Much to my surprise and assumption, it was the mother using her iPad throughout their brief meal together. She sat on the opposite side of the table of her sons with her body turned to the left, her feet upon the empty seat to her side. During most of their meal, she used her iPad. She made little conversation and even less eye contact. At one point, her son took her iPad away from her, jokingly. However, his mother didn't appear to find the humor in his gesture or quite possibly a blatant objection depending on his true intention. Instead she made a remark alluding to the idea that being in college didn't exempt him from being grounded. He returned the iPad promptly.

While there is no escaping the fact that mobile phones and similar devices are here to stay, when we use them in the presence of others, what messages are we really sending?

I hope you enjoyed this blog!  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback you may have.

Warm regards,

Lisa Matus, LCSW

www.lisamatus.com

Social Esteem

Social Esteem

Today's world is full of immediate gratification. From just our smartphones alone, we can submit work reports, download recipes, upload photos to thousands of people, pay bills, RSVP to a party, book a vacation, and more, with just a few clicks of a button, from virtually anywhere within a few minutes.  This ability to conquer our "To Do" list in rapid-fire fashion can make us feel accomplished, but how can this feeling of accomplishment play out?

For some of us, feeling accomplished can result in us acting impatiently or entitled.  We expect things to happen in our timeframe and when they don't, look out!  We might act demanding and rude toward others because we don't want to wait and because we don't feel we should have to.  While for others, feeling powerless due to delayed gratification can manifest as a more serious problem. It can affect our self esteem and as a result, we can become depressed.  

Social media websites allow us to share with the world (yes, the world as privacy no longer exists thanks to the internet), our thoughts and feelings, our whereabouts, our activities, our political beliefs and the company we keep, all through our tweets, status updates and photos albums.  For some, social media websites are an occasional past-time allowing us to connect with friends and family in far away places and with folks from years past.  While for others, posting on social media websites is a more chronic condition in which some people journal the day to day activities of their lives to their friends and followers.

In my private practice (and in my personal life), I often hear stories about relationship issues. Increasingly, these issues often have social media as a common theme.  When social media affects self esteem, I refer to it as, Social Esteem.  Social Esteem becomes the intersection at which self esteem is influenced and reinforced by social media activity and the perceptions associated with it.

When you post a status update, a photo, or an article on a social media site, what is your intention?  Are you simply trying to share something that is important to you or does it mean something more?  What does it mean to you when someone "likes" something you've posted?  Does it mean that they agree with what you've said?  Does it mean that they "like" you?  Does it mean that they approve of you?  Do you feel validated?  Do you view it as a popularity contest?  Conversely, what does it mean to you when you post something and it doesn't receive the fanfare that you hoped for?  Do you start to reevaluate your relationships?  Do you feel rejected?  Do you act in a passive-aggressive manner by posting provocative messages or by failing to acknowledge the posts of others?  Does it affect your mood and the way you see yourself?

In order to enjoy the benefits that technology has to offer without falling prey to the pitfalls of our I want It Now society, it's important to take a step back from time to time and reevaluate our priorities and objectives.

Ways to address Social Esteem:

• Adjust your expectations.  It's important to recognize that people have different views on the frequency and etiquette of social media websites, email and text messaging. 
• Adjust your perspective.  People are overloaded with information at their fingertips and inundated with responsibilities.  Just because a friend didn't "like" your latest status update or leave a comment, doesn't mean that they stopped caring for you. 
• Adjust your approach. If you have important news to share (e.g. new job, birth announcement, engagement, etc.), then tell the people who are important to you in person or over the telephone instead of having them read it in their News Feed.  Model the respect that you'd like to receive.

I hope you find this blog helpful.  Please feel free to leave a comment or message me with any feedback you may have.

Warm regards,

Lisa Matus, LCSW

www.lisamatus.com